Relationships

In Australian society, most people are socialised that the ideal relationship has one format.  You date, get engaged, get married, buy/rent a suitable home for a family, have children and live happily ever after in a monogamous relationship (exclusive sexual and emotional fulfillment from your husband/wife).   We were led to believe that this was the case at the time when the church had more involvement in people’s lives, however in the current day, relationship values have changed.  For example; many now choose to be married outside of a church, with weddings conducted by a celebrant, rather than a priest.  Many people experience sex prior to being married.  Some people have children, before getting married, and some with no marriage in mind.  Although some people follow the traditional rules of marriage, it could safely be said that a majority pick and choose different components of traditional marriage but add their personal preferences.

Even up until the 1970’s, divorce was viewed negatively by many, and now the current rate of divorce is 1 in every 3 marriages.  If this rate of 1 success in every 3 marriages applied to entering agreements in any other areas of our lives, it would be analysed, legislated, and advice and warnings would be given to ‘engage at your own risk’, or even protests and maybe even health promotion initiatives in favour of the behaviour being avoided.  However people still enter into marriage with the view or hope that their union is different, and they will be one of the lucky ones.

There is no set standard of a relationship that anyone must follow. As mentioned many couples have been pre-programmed by parental, family and societal influences and automatically adopt a ‘one size fits all’ model to base their relationship on: Monogamy.

Dave Wells holds the view that a relationship should represent the values and capabilities of the people in it.  By using the term ‘capabilities’, most people enter into a marriage in love with the person who they are dedicating their life to, with full intention of being faithful, and living by their expectations of each other.  Unfortunately, at the time of marriage or monogamous dedication to another, many know deep inside their personal thoughts that they have unmet sexual curiosities and fantasies, or even thoughts of wanting more sexual experiences, but they also believe that they can put these desires to rest because they have found the person of their dreams, and the person who they envisage spending the rest of their lives with.  

This is not to say that people who hold the values of monogamy are wrong, if they hold this value, they deserve to have it respected by a partner who holds the same values.  However, “cheating on a partner” or “having an affair” happens way too often, and does damage to ourselves, our partners, as well as our children, families and friends.

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To understand why this happens, we need to dissect what sex provides people with.  Firstly, although society often places ‘sex’ and ‘love’ together in unity, they are both separate entities.  In other words, you can love someone and not have sex with them, or you can have sex with someone and not love them.  In our society, the highest reward is when you have sex with the person who you love.

Sex is not just about love and reproduction, although for a minority it is.  Asides from people who identify as ‘A-Sexual’, we all have sexual arousal, which is sometimes better known as “being turned on”.  Sex is about release, it provides; ‘ego stimulation’ by being found attractive by another, it is about ‘curiosity’, and sometimes it is about the ‘chase’, ‘challenge’ and ‘achievement of conquering’.  Physically, arousal creates endorphins that makes us feel good.  For people who are monogamous, all of these attributes are expected to be provided by one person for the entirety of our lives.  For some, they can have these needs met by the person who they dedicate their life to through marriage.  For others, the challenges of being aroused by external factors takes over from the monogamy that they initially thought that they could respect.  Many value the principles of monogamy but are unable to commit to them long term which can cause shame, guilt, and the feelings of failing.

Dave Wells holds they view that a relationship should meet with the true values and capabilities of its participants.  If someone holds the value of monogamy, and has the capacity to fulfil its values, then they deserve to have them met and respected by a partner who shares similar values.

We all hear that for a relationship to be successful there must be communication, and this is very true, however many adopt monogamy and other relationship values that are regarded as the ‘norm’, without communicating openly and honestly and forming agreements that complement each person in the relationship.  For example, some love and expect a lot of intimacy, others feel smothered by it, some want their lives complete merged with the other, and some need their independence.  There is no right or wrong in a relationship as long as each person’s needs are met and respected by their partner/s.  Some partnerships have negotiated their relationship to meet their needs and desires, and these relationships do not always fit with what society regards as normal or healthy, however where communication and negotiation has taken place, different styles of relationships are formed.  For example:

Relationship types:

• Open relationships (A relationship held between two people which allows for external sexual experiences which are communicated to each other).
• Closed (Monogamous) relationships A relationship between two people which is exclusive to the two Individuals and doesn’t allow for any external sexual/emotional experiences.
• Negotiated-agreement relationships (A relationship in which the members have negotiated an agreement to have sexual/emotional experiences with external people but with agreements that differ from completely open).
• Polygamy (Three or more participants in a relationship, or having more than one romantic partner at a time).
• Fuck buddy/buddies (A relationship where an individual’s meet only for sexual reasons).
• Special friendship/Friends with benefits (A friendship which includes sexual liaisons without any other relationship qualities/commitments).
• Platonic Relationships (friendship, affection or love without sexual relations)

The relationship pages of the web site will explore the varied types of relationships, as well as the different relationship dynamics that exist in Australian society.  

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Remember no relationship is wrong if it meets the needs of its participants and doesn’t harm anyone.

Bisexuality is defined as a romantic attraction, sexual attraction, or sexual behaviour toward both males and females, or to more than one sex or gender.

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Because a person is attracted to both males and females, they are no more-less faithful as a partner, than a person who is attracted to only one sex.  Extra martial sex or affairs are perpetrated by individuals and not particular groups of people; Relationship values are not related to a person’s sexual identity.

However, when we think of a person being attracted to male and female we don't often question the percentages of their sexual attraction, and there are many differing components to bisexuality then simply sitting on 50% equal sexual attraction. Some people will identify as gay, yet still hold a smaller percentage of their sexual attraction towards the opposite sex. The same is in reverse, some people will identify as straight, yet hold a smaller percentage of their sexual attraction towards the same sex. Some people who are bisexual have a different sex and gender preference for a romantic partner, compared toa partner who is only sexual.

Our true sexuality has often been influenced, threatened, and has expectations attached, as a result, some people hide their true sexual attraction in order to fulfill their socially acceptable roles. If this is a choice that brings happiness and fulfilment, then go for it. If hiding your true sexuality is causing you anguish, then it is probably having a negative impact on most other areas of your life.

In the health sector, men who are in a relationship with a partner of the opposite sex and meet men secretly for sexual purposes, were identified as NGIMSM (Non-Gay identifying Men who have Sex with Men). This term later changed to MSM because bisexual identifying men who were in a relationship with a person of the opposite gender, may successfully negotiate same sex sexual experiences with men which puts them outside of the cohort of men who hide their same sex attraction. From a health perspective, identifying this cohort of men who secretly have sex with men is important because their denial of their sexuality, can place them in the position where they are less likely to receive health messages, or be in a healthy-psychological state, and therefore they often take greater risks sexually.

Asides from the health impacts, the importance of knowing and admitting your sexual attraction becomes especially important when forming a romantic relationship. For many people who are bisexual, forming a partnership with someone who complements the sex of their priority attraction, has a higher chance of mutual fulfillment. Fortunately, many relationships have evolved to take on many structures outside of the often-uncommunicated expectation of monogamy, and relationship agreements are formed that allow of the bisexual partner to live as their true self engaging in sexual encounters with people outside of the union. It must be noted that because a bisexual person has a monogamous single-sex relationship, does not imply that they are not living to their fullest, as long as it's a personal choice that is uninfluenced and provides fulfillment, all types of relationships are valid.

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Myths and Misconceptions of Bisexuality:

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·   “Bisexuals are just sitting on the fence because they do not have the courage to be gay”:

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This is a popular myth that basically states that Bisexuality is not a real sexuality; this is totally untrue and insinuates that a bisexual person is weak and untruthful/deceptive.

For many people coming to terms with their same sex attraction, the label 'bisexuality 'is used as a stepping stone. Because a person who is questioning their sexuality is less likely to be stable, this gives people who bisexual are a bad name, or are seen to be in denial.

Bisexuality is a natural diversity of human sexuality and should be celebrated as such. If you are having difficulties understanding or accepting your sexual and romantic gender preferences Dave Wells has worked with LGBTIQ communities and MSM (Men who have sex with men in secret) for over 25 years and offers confidential, non-judgmental support towards reaching self-acceptance.

·  “Bisexuals cannot dedicate themselves to a relationship”:

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 Because a person is attracted to both sexes, they are no more-less faithful than a person who is attracted to only one sex.  Extra martial sex or affairs are perpetrated by individuals and not particular groups of people; Relationship values are not related to a person’s sexual identity.

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· “Bisexual people are at a greater risk of contracting sexually transmitted infections”:

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Many negative views held about bisexuality are based on the Bisexual person having more opportunity for sexual liaisons due to being attracted to both male and female. This does not translate to stereotyping a person’s sexual behaviours. 

There are heterosexual, homosexual, and bisexual people who will make poor decisions regarding their sexual health.  A person can have 20 partners and practice safe sex (using methods of protection) and another can have 1 sexual partner unsafely and contract a sexual infection.  It is true that the more sexual partners that a person has will potentially increase their exposure to Sexually transmitted infections (STIs) but Bisexuality does not include promiscuous behaviour any differently than its Heterosexual or homosexual counterparts.

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